


The Applebirds and the Applebees

by Lalalli



Series: The Applebirds and The Applebees [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Academy Era, Academy!Fitzsimmons, But like G-rated benefits, Comedy, F/M, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Humor, Makey Outies, The Talk, teenage FitzSimmons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5909779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalalli/pseuds/Lalalli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fitzsimmons get kicked out of an Applebee's.  Because reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Applebirds and the Applebees

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to SuperIrishBreakfastTea because it is her birthday and she is awesomesauce.

“This is all your fault,” Fitz hissed as the manager escorted them to the door.

“How is this my fault?” Simmons protested.

“It was your bloody idea in the first place!”

“Well, I didn’t see you complaining at any point in the last six months!”

\-----------------------------

_Six months ago…._

“Weber!” Simmons exclaimed brightly as Sally Weber set her lunch down at their table and swung her leg over the bench seat. “How was the date last night?”

Sally sighed in obvious disappointment. “It was okay. I mean, it started off great.” She propped her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her palm. “He was so nice and funny - we laughed the whole evening and held hands on the way back to my apartment. But when we said goodbye…” Sally covered her face with her hands. “God, it was the worst kiss I’ve ever had.”

Jemma’s brow furrowed. “Really?”

“It was so _sloppy_ ,” she moaned. “It was like kissing a dog! And it’s so disappointing because I really liked him up to that point, but I just…” Sally shrugged. “I don’t think we’re compatible.”

“Really?” Fitz blurted, despite his usual tendency to clam up when anyone other than Simmons is talking. “Because of one kiss?”

Sally nodded sagely. “You can tell a lot about a person by how they kiss. How considerate they are, how passionate they are - even, to a certain extent, how they’ll perform in bed. Simmons will tell you!”

Jemma flushed. “Yeah,” she agreed nervously. “Absolutely.”

Fitz narrowed his eyes at her. He knew for a fact that Simmons had never kissed a person in her life.

Jemma rose to her feet. “Well, I’ve got to get going,” she said hurriedly, her voice unusually high-pitched. “Toodles!”

Sally shook her head as she watched Jemma leave. “That girl is never going to pass her field assessment,” she told Fitz. “She’s a _terrible_ liar.”

Later that day, Jemma arrived at the apartment she shared with Fitz, exhausted and disheveled from a long day of classes and labs. “I’m knackered!” Jemma announced as soon as she walked through the door. She dumped all her books and bags on the floor with a loud thump.

Fitz watched as Jemma took her cardigan halfway off, then shrugged it back on over her shoulders, her nose wrinkled in confusion. “Alright?” he asked.

“I think I’m hot, but I’m not sure,” Jemma mused.

Fitz looked at her appraisingly. “Eh, you’re a six.” He ducked as Jemma’s cardigan flew towards his head.

“Watch it, Dr. Fitzy,” Jemma warned. “I’m a nubile young prodigy -”

“- with an above average fashion sense,” Fitz finished for her, rolling his eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Jemma sat down next to Fitz on the couch, a thoughtful frown on her face. “Fitz. Knowing what you know about me, do you think that if I went on a date, and it went really well, my date would write me off just because I’m a bad kisser?”

“I wouldn’t!” Fitz proclaimed gallantly. He frowned. “Although I have been worrying about the same thing ever since lunch with Sally.”

Jemma bit her bottom lip. “Fitz?”

“Yes?”

Jemma took a deep breath, then exhaled all at once, “ _Ithinkweshouldpracticekissing._ ”

Fitz just stared at her, his mouth agape.

“With each other,” Jemma clarified.

Fitz licked his lips nervously. “Um.”

“Because neither of us have ever kissed anyone before,” Jemma continued. “And we’re best friends. And since we’re not dating, when we give each other constructive feedback, we’ll know not to take it personally.”

Fitz blinked. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times, silently.

“And that way, when we go on dates and have our first _real_ kiss, where it would actually mean something, we won’t have to worry about it being bad or mucking up our date,” Jemma concluded. She straightened her back and placed her hands in her lap. “What do you think?”

Fitz shook himself out of his stupor. “I. Um. I reckon it makes sense,” he said weakly. 

Jemma nodded firmly. “So shall we practice?”

“ _Now?_ ” Fitz squeaked.

Jemma blushed. “Well, no time like the present, and all that.”

Fitz scooted closer to her on the couch. “No. I mean, yes!” He nodded enthusiastically. “Now works for me. Now is good.”

Jemma inched closer to Fitz until their thighs were touching. She faced him and took his hand, taking a deep breath. “Maybe for this first one, we’ll try it without tongue.”

Fitz nodded, his face still serious. “Baby steps.”

Jemma smiled. “Exactly.”

They leaned towards each other, only closing their eyes when their faces got so close that they went cross-eyed trying to look at each other. Their lips gently brushed over each other. Jemma could swear that she felt a swoop in her stomach, but she wasn’t sure if it was something that could be attributed to kissing Fitz specifically or kissing in general. She needed a control trial. Or was Fitz the control?

Jemma resisted the urge to lean in further and follow Fitz as he pulled away. She licked her lips. “I think that was a pretty good first try,” she said breathily.

Fitz nodded. “Yeah,” he exhaled.

“Maybe we could try again?” Jemma suggested. “But firmer this time?” Jemma wrinkled her nose. “Harder?”

“Deeper?” Fitz suggested.

Jemma nodded in agreement. “Yes. That.”

This time, when their lips met, Jemma sucked Fitz’s bottom lip into her mouth and Fitz tangled his fingers into her hair. As their lips parted and met over and over again, Jemma’s stomach flew up into her chest the way it only ever had when going down a precipitous drop on a roller coaster. When they finally parted, they were both breathing heavily.

Fitz swallowed audibly. “How was that?” he asked softly, sounding vaguely petrified.

Jemma chewed on her bottom lip. “It was…” She paused. “It was terrible,” she told him.

Fitz’s face fell. “Oh.”

Jemma nodded. “We’re going to need to practice a lot more.”

Fitz’s eyes widened a bit. “Oh!” He looked down at his lap. “Then I suppose I should tell you that your technique needs work, as well.”

“Does it?” Jemma glanced at her watch and sighed. “Well, maybe we can put in another five minutes of practice before we start making dinner,” she suggested.

Fitz nodded as he leaned in. “Practice is good.”

\------------------------------------

_One hour and 20 minutes ago..._

"You haven't experienced the true America until you've been to Applebee's," Dr. Hall declared as their hostess led them through the dimly lit dining area to their table. The clamor inside was suffocating, the sounds of loud conversations and silverware scraping against plates closing in around them.

Jemma slid first into the booth, with Fitz sitting down next to her. Dr. Hall settled in across from them and grinned as the waitress distributed the menus. "They have the best caramel appletinis here," he confided.

Jemma wrinkled her nose as she turned the sticky first page of the novel-length menu. "Great," she said weakly.

"One sampler platter and a round of caramel appletinis for the table!" Dr. Hall announced to the waitress.

The waitress just raised an eyebrow. "I'll need to see their IDs."

Dr. Hall scowled. "Just look you here…” Dr. Hall squinted at the waitress’s name tag. “... _Mabel_. Dr. Dr. Simmons here has two Ph.D.s in fields you can't even pronounce! And Dr. Fitz here is a real life rocket scientist!"

Mabel just snapped her gum, her face still affectless. "Are they 21?" she asked, unimpressed.

"No," Simmons mumbled.

"Not exactly," Fitz muttered at the same time.

Mabel scribbled in her notepad. "One caramel appletini," she read as she wrote. She clicked her pen and tucked it behind her ear before walking away.

Dr. Hall watched her leave. When he deemed that she was far enough away, he folded his arms on the table and looked at Fitzsimmons with a serious expression on his face. "So."

Fitz furrowed his brow. "Yes, sir?"

"Vaseline..." Dr. Hall trailed off.

Jemma tilted her head to the side. "What about it, sir?"

Dr. Hall tapped a finger on the table. "It's just something you might need when you're first starting out..." He looked askance in contemplation.

Fitz's jaw dropped open, the color draining from his face. Jemma covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.

Dr. Hall nodded decisively before continuing. "And then maybe again once you reach your fifties."

\-------------------------------------------

_Present_

“Well, I might not complain, but you’re the one who always starts it!” Fitz accused as they walked down the city street, back to the hotel where their conference was being held.

“I do not!” Jemma denied, affronted.

“Oh, so I suppose you _don’t_ tell me at least once a week, ‘Oh, Fitz! I’m so bored!’” Fitz recited in a ridiculously high-pitched voice.

“I do _not_ sound like that!” Jemma hissed.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Three months ago…_

“Fiiitz,” Jemma whined, sprawled on the couch. “I’m _bored_.”

“You’re watching a movie,” Fitz pointed out from the other end of the couch, not looking up from his scientific journal.

“But I’ve seen it before.”

“Watch a different one.”

Jemma reached for the remote and turned off the television. “I was actually thinking we could _practice_.”

Fitz looked up from his journal, his eyes wide. “Practice?” he repeated.

Jemma nodded. “It does make perfect.”

Fitz threw his journal on the floor and lunged across the couch as her. Jemma giggled as he pushed her back into the couch cushions, lying down on top of her, fitting his mouth over hers. She pulled her lips away from his and tried to school her face into a serious expression. “That was _awful_. Just, so, so sloppy.”

Fitz nodded eagerly. “We’re going to probably need _at least_ an hour of practice tonight.”

\---------------------------------------------

_56 minutes ago…_

Dr. Hall took another long sip of his cocktail. "...you have to make sure both parties are _comfortable_ -"

Fitz grabbed Mabel's wrist as she walked past. "Pancakes!" he blurted out, in desperation.

Mabel frowned and wrenched her arm out of his grasp. "Excuse you!” she exclaimed indignantly. “You can't just go around grabbing people like that!"

Dr. Hall nodded in agreement. "That's what I've been trying to teach him," Dr. Hall told her. "It's important to obtain _consent_ before every step of physical -"

"Pancakes!" Fitz interrupted.

Mabel looked at Fitz the same way he looked at the specimens Jemma had a tendency to leave in their fridge. "We don't have pancakes."

"We'll both have the house salad," Jemma cut in, leaning forward. "But can you hold the bacon, the deep fried croutons, the nacho cheese, the tortilla chip strips, the chicken nuggets, and the cheese puffs?"

Mabel wrinkled her nose. "So just the lettuce, tomatoes, and dressing?"

"Oh!" Jemma remembered. "And could we have some balsamic vinaigrette on the side instead of the Cool Ranch Dorito dressing?"

"I'll also have the house salad," Dr. Hall told Mabel. "But hold nothing."

Fitz pouted as Mabel walked away. "But I _did_ want the chicken nuggets."

\----------------------------------------------------

_Present_

“Okay, but that was always _in our apartment_ ,” Jemma pointed out. “I’m not the one who cornered you behind a ficus at the conference.” They stopped at the lift in the hotel lobby and Jemma violently jabbed the ‘up’ button with her finger.

Fitz flushed. “I hardly _cornered_ you!” The lift doors opened and they dragged the completely legless Dr. Hall inside.

Jemma rolled her eyes as she readjusted her grip on Dr. Hall. “The fact remains that we wouldn’t have even been in that Applebee’s in the first place if you hadn’t wanted to _practice_ in a very public setting!”

\---------------------------------------------------

_One day ago…_

Fitz glanced at his watch as he waited for Jemma outside the women’s restroom. He was hoping they could sneak back to their hotel room and skip the second half of this interminably long cocktail hour that was actually scheduled for _two_ hours. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day of travelling with Dr. Hall was to socialize with other people.

Maybe he could convince her by saying that he felt like he needed more preparation for their presentation tomorrow. Then, after half an hour, he could convince her to watch a movie instead. He could put up with a half hour of studying if it meant skipping the welcoming statements and the handsy cougars.

When Fitz saw Jemma walk out of the bathroom, he grabbed her arm and pulled her behind the ficus with him. She stumbled a little, reaching out and putting her right hand on Fitz’s shoulder for balance. “Fitz!” she grinned.

Fitz wrinkled his nose as her warm breath washed over his face. “How much champagne did you have?”

Jemma frowned. “Not nearly enough. This is so _boring_.”

Fitz nodded in agreement. “I was thinking - maybe we could go back to our room. I’d like to practice some more before - _Mmmmph!_ ”

Fitz stumbled back as Jemma surged forward and stuck her tongue in his mouth rather aggressively. He pressed one hand against the wall to catch himself, then maneuvered Jemma so that she was pressed up against the wall as well. He tore his lips away from hers long enough to gasp, “Too much tongue.”

Jemma splayed one hand on his back and used the other to pull his head back down to hers. “Too much talking.”

Leave it to Jemma to have ideas even better than his.

\--------------------------------------------------

_47 minutes ago…_

Dr. Hall belched as he put down his empty martini glass. He frowned at it. "That disappeared quickly," he commented. "It must've been mostly ice."

Fitz dragged his palms down his face. "There was zero ice," he reminded him.

Mabel arrived at their table with an appetizer platter roughly the size of a beached whale. "Great!" Dr. Hall clapped joyfully. "Our food is here!" Once Mabel's hands were free, Dr. Hall held up his empty martini glass. "Another caramel appletini, please!"

Mabel glanced at Fitzsimmons suspiciously for half a second before turning back to Dr. Hall. "You haven't been sharing with the minors, have you?"

"I wish," Fitz sighed.

"If only," Jemma muttered at the same time, slumping further down in her seat.

Jemma glanced at Fitz as Mabel took the empty glass from Dr. Hall. "How many appletinis can a person drink at Applebee's before they get cut off?" she asked under her breath.

Fitz frowned, watching Mabel walk away. "Hopefully, no more than four. So far, there's been a positive correlation between the number of drinks he's had and the explicitness of his presentation. If he drinks any more, I might actually die of embarrassment."

Dr. Hall picked up an onion ring in one hand and a mozzarella stick in the other. "Now, where was I?"

\--------------------------------------------

_Present_

“You’re the one who thought it was a brilliant idea to go to dinner with him!” Jemma reminded.

Fitz rolled his eyes as he reached into Dr. Hall’s jacket pocket to take out his room key. “Well, how was I supposed to know that he wanted to give us the bloody sex talk!” He slid the keycard into the slot in the door and turned the doorknob when the light turned green. “Besides, you were just as excited about it as I was!”

Jemma grunted as they dragged Dr. Hall the last few feet to his bed and dropped him onto it. Fitz bent down to lift his feet onto the mattress. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Should we take off his shoes?” he asked.

Jemma held up her hands and took a step back. “I’m not touching his feet!”

Fitz raised an eyebrow at her. “Really? You have no problem with cat livers coexisting with our food in our fridge, but you won’t take off a man’s shoes?”

Jemma crossed her arms over her chest. “Every person has their limits.”

\-----------------------------------------------

_Four hours and 24 minutes ago…_

Jemma walked into the lobby, searching the room for Fitz. They had decided to split up after lunch so they could attend more seminars and brief each other later. She was supposed to meet him in the lobby to review their notes for their own presentation this afternoon. She found Fitz in the back corner of the lobby, sitting on a sofa opposite Dr. Hall, who was settled into a plush armchair.

Fitz leaned into Jemma as soon as she sat down next to him. "I'm feeling a bit peckish," he whispered to her.

Jemma reached into her purse, pulling out a small bag of baby carrots.

Fitz pouted at her. "Jemma..."

Jemma rolled her eyes and pulled another small Ziploc bag out of her purse, this one filled with pretzels.

Fitz grinned. "You're the best."

"Dr. Simmons!"

Jemma turned to look at Dr. Hall. "Yes?"

"Dr. Fitz and I were just talking about you! Maybe you could answer these questions for me..."

Jemma didn't know why Dr. Hall was suddenly so curious about her and Fitz's non-academic experiences while obtaining their degrees. She hadn't been interrogated this much about her social life since her first trip home after starting at the Academy.

Dr. Hall nodded slowly as she finished recounting his experiences at Cambridge. "I see..." he mused.

"And how about you?" Jemma asked, trying to shift the focus off of her and Fitz's personal lives. "How was your experience at Harvard?"

Dr. Hall scratched behind his ear, leaning back. "I have fond memories. There was ample opportunity for research and travel. In fact, I got to spend a semester at the University of Paris doing undergraduate research under one of Marie Curie's proteges."

Jemma gasped. "Did you really?" she asked excitedly, leaning forward in her seat.

Dr. Hall looked across the hotel lobby. "You know, speaking of the Curies..." Dr. Hall looked back at Fitzsimmons. "You have a lot in common with them."

Jemma's face lit up. "You really think so?"

Dr. Hall nodded. "Oh, absolutely. It's not often that two people are so compatible both in and out of the lab. How many couples are there who work together to achieve so many scientific accomplishments?"

Fitz's face turned red. "We're not-"

Jemma frantically shook her head. "I think you've got the wrong idea-"

Dr. Hall smiled knowingly. "You don't have to hide it from me. Everyone saw your moment of passion last night at the conference."

Fitzsimmons exchanged looks of panic and worry, the color draining from their faces. Fitz turned to Dr. Hall. "Everyone?" he croaked.

Dr. Hall sighed heavily. "I know you two are all grown up with your doctorates and your career paths, but in a sense, I still feel responsible for you, seeing as you're still teenagers. And listening to you recount your university years, there seems to be many teenage rites of passage that you missed out on."

Jemma furrowed her brow in confusion. "It's not altogether tragic, Dr. Hall. Missing compulsory physical education and lunchroom gossip was a very low price to pay considering everything I got to experience in return."

"But still..." Dr. Hall mused, tapping a finger on his chin. He perked up, smiling at them. "I know! Why don't I take you two out for dinner tonight? My treat!"

Jemma and Fitz exchanged smiles at the prospect of free food. Fitz turned to Dr. Hall. "Brilliant!"

\--------------------------------------

_18 minutes ago…_

"Sir!" Mabel exclaimed loudly, interrupting Dr. Hall mid-explanation. Dr. Hall froze, the cool ranch Dorito dressing dripping off the mozzarella stick he was holding and pooling onto the table. "We're going to need you to stop...whatever it is you're doing. We've been getting complaints from other patrons."

Dr. Hall glared at their neighbors. "Ma'am, I can explain." He dropped his onion ring and put his hand to his chest. "I am a scientist and an educator. And at the moment, I am educating my proteges, the brightest young minds in this country. So everyone else?" He waved his hand in the air in a circular motion. "They need to butt out of things they don't understand."

Mabel frowned. "I doubt anyone needs a Ph.D. to understand why you're pushing a mozzarella stick in and out of an onion ring. Repeatedly. So again, I'm going to need to ask you to stop."

Dr. Hall leaned forward with a dangerous glint in his eyes. "Make me."

\-------------------------------------------

_Present_

Jemma and Fitz sat on Fitz’s bed, channel-surfing through a slog of sports and made-for-tv movies. Jemma groaned and flopped back on the bed. “I can’t believe it’s only 7:45,” she complained.

Fitz tossed the remote next to Jemma’s arm. “I don’t want to watch any of this.”

Jemma picked up the remote and turned off the television. “Me neither.” She turned her head to look at Fitz. “What should we do with the rest of our evening?” she asked.

Fitz shrugged. “We could look through tomorrow’s schedule and pick out whose presentations we want to attend,” he suggested.

Jemma bit her bottom lip. “Or…”

Fitz sighed, exasperated. “Don’t you think that we’ve gotten into enough trouble this weekend because of our practicing?”

Jemma tugged nervously on the hem of her shirt. “It’s just that we never got around to practicing that other thing.”

Fitz frowned. “What other thing?”

Jemma sat up. “Well, it occurred to me the other week, what if you went on a date and she wanted to go to second base?”

Fitz just stared at her. “Uhhhh,” he said, rather intelligently.

Jemma tucked her hair behind her ear. “I mean, doesn’t it make sense to practice that as well?”

Fitz nodded slowly. “Yup. That makes sense. That definitely makes sense.”

Jemma grinned and leaned in to kiss him. Fitz leaned back.

“Just one problem, though,” he said solemnly.

Jemma furrowed her brow. “What is it?”

Fitz smirked. “We don’t have any Vaseline.”

**Author's Note:**

> Believe it or not, I did not reference Applebee's actual menu while writing this. I haven't been in an Applebee's in like eight years, so I'm going off of memory and tv commercials.
> 
> Also...and I'm sure this doesn't need to be said, but just in case...do NOT, for the love of God, use Vaseline when engaging in the frick frack.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr! I'm Lalallicat on that part of the internets.
> 
> Comments and constructive feedback are welcome and appreciated :)


End file.
